Compromising Positions
by Kate McCaye
Summary: Beginning of a new series, in which various members of SG1 find themselves in the position of uttering the phrase, "This isn't what it looks like."
1. Manic Monday

Title: Compromising Positions

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: T? Mild T, if that.

Category: Humor

Summary: So I've got this list of stories to write, but I swore I'd finish all the Birthday Traditions before I started another series. But you know how it is, sometimes your brain refuses to obey. The basic idea here is that it's meant to be a series of incidents which will all have some or all of SG1 in the position to utter the phrase, "This isn't what it looks like." So, first up on the list, Jack and Sam. (Who else?)

Compromising Positions: Jack, Sam, and the Thong From Hell

Ch 1: Monday

Major General George Hammond was absolutely furious. Livid. Enraged. Incensed with anger. Hopping mad, infuriated... he couldn't think of another synonym that adequately described his current state of mind. Pacing his office like a caged tiger (a rotund, very bald tiger that is), he figured it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Still. They should have been more careful. Damn idiots. Both of them. Even Carter, and she was supposed to be the smart one.

The 'damn idiots' in question entered Hammond's office, clearly oblivious to the reason they were summoned to General Hammond's office so early on this particularly lovely Monday morning.

"General, did you miss us so much over the weekend that you just had to see us before the nine o'clock briefing?" Jack asked jovially as he sauntered into the room with a self-confident smirk in place, his 2IC trailing behind him.

Hammond shot him the look that plainly said, "Now is not the time to mess with me if you value your position here at the SGC."

Jack stopped, mid-saunter, and turned to Carter for an explanation. She gave a slight shrug. Hammond looked at her carefully. "You're sunburned," he said in what Sam couldn't help but think was a bit of an accusatory tone of voice for returning from a long weekend a little bit pink.

"Yes, sir, a little," she said cautiously.

"I take it your weekend off went well then?" he asked, leaning forward and resting his palms on the shiny wood surface of his desk.

"Yes, sir, thank you for asking," Sam answered, trying not to show that she was more than a little surprised at the General's sudden, inexplicable anger. It had been his idea to give SG1 the long weekend off in the first place.

"Sit down," Hammond ordered them both.

Jack and Sam sat down in unison. Jack sank back into his chair, while Sam was perched on the end of hers. "Are we waiting for Danny and Teal'c too, because when I left Teal'c he was steadily working his way through three pounds of eggs in the commissary..." Jack started.

"No. I haven't called them yet. I wanted to give you two a chance to explain yourselves first."

"Er... okay, sir. Well, I know sometimes I can be a little grouchy, and I may not always get my reports in on time, but I've always felt that deep down on the inside, I'm really just a..."

"Colonel O'Neill, I am not in the mood for your attitude!" Hammond barked.

"Sorry, General," Jack said, looking down. Okay, maybe he had pushed a little too hard, but he didn't understand. What could he and Carter possibly have done to piss him off already? They'd only been on base long enough to change into their BDUs and eat breakfast, forcryinoutloud!

"Sir, what would you like us to explain?" Carter asked gently, clearly trying to calm the two men down.

"I would like to explain why I overheard two Airmen joking about a conversation they allegedly overheard between the two of you that clearly indicates that you are flagrantly disregarding the fraternization regulations. And I'd like to know right now."

Jack waved a hand. "Come on, sir, you know the rumor mill around here as well as anyone."

"Yes, I do, Colonel. Unfortunately, I happened to ask where they overheard this conversation. Apparently it took place in the locker room this morning. Were you both _in _the locker room together this morning?"

"Yes, sir," they admitted. They still had no idea what he could possibly be talking about, however.

"Okay. Are you both aware that there are surveillance cameras in the locker room?"

"Yes, sir."

"Are you aware that those are equipped with audio as well?"

"Yes, sir," Sam said immediately. Jack hadn't known that, but he didn't see the relevance.

"Obviously this is not monitored unless a situation such as this one needs verification. I will give you both one more chance to come clean here: are you currently or have you ever violated the fraternization regulations?"

"No, sir!" they both insisted.

"Then," Hammond said, clearly disappointed with both of them. "How in the hell do you explain _this?_"

He got up and practically stomped into the briefing room. Jack spent half a second wondering whether the gate technicians on the floor below had heard that, picturing bits of Sheetrock raining down on Walter while he sat in his sad little chair...

"COLONEL! NOW!" Hammond barked.

Jack winced and hurried into the briefing room, Sam following. She couldn't help but think that she looked guilty, even though she knew for certain that she wasn't. Hammond nodded at the conference table so they sat down in their usual seats. Hammond picked up the remote, lowered the display screen that slid down over the star chart, and said, "Listen carefully, people."

A slightly grainy picture, clearly from the little camera that lived in the corner of the locker room, came on the display. Jack and Sam watched the video footage closely. On-screen, Sam was standing with her back to her open locker, one foot propped up on the bench between two rows of lockers as she tied her boot. Jack walked in with a bag in one hand and said, "Hey, Carter. Didn't know you were in here."

"I'm almost done, sir," she said, turning back to her locker. She disappeared from the camera's vision at this point because the open locker door was blocking her from sight.

"Breakfast with the boys in ten?" on-screen Jack asked casually as he started to change.

"Sounds good, sir."

"Oh, before I forget, when I was unpacking last night I found a stowaway in my bag."

"Oh no, sir, I specifically told Teal'c he couldn't bring that hermit crab home..."

On-screen Jack chuckled and said, "Nope. Wasn't that. I finally found your missing thong!"

On-screen Carter peeked around her locker door and asked, "You did? Really?"

"Yup."

"Great, I was afraid I'd never see it again!"

"I don't see why it was so important for you to find it. It's not like you don't have eighty-four thousand other ones."

"But this one is so comfortable though... you wouldn't understand."

"No, I guess I wouldn't."

"I'm still holding you responsible for the destruction of the other one, sir."

"I know, I know. I'll replace it," he assured her. "Same color?"

"If you can find it, yes please."

"Fine."

"So do you have it with you?"

"What do I look like, your personal valet?"

"No sir, but..."

"Well as you appear to be completely dressed from head to toe, I'm going to assume that there isn't a thong emergency this morning. You can get it whenever."

"Yes, sir," on-screen Sam said, shutting her locker harder than was necessary. "You know, I warned you that something like this would happen."

On-screen Jack smirked, "You're absolutely right, Major. I promise that I will never again use one of your thongs as a toy."

"And?"

"Oh. And I will certainly never get Daniel and Teal'c to join in the fun and play keep-away-from-Carter with it on the beach. Now. Breakfast?"

"Yes, sir."

On-screen Jack and Sam left the locker room, both walking rather jauntily, clearly oblivious to all the trouble they had just created for off-screen Jack and Sam.

The Jack who was sitting at the conference table banged his head loudly on the surface of the table. Carter buried her face in her hand. Hammond switched off the tape and turned to them. "Well? NOW do you have something you'd like to tell me!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A/N: More to come.


	2. Rocky Start

A/N: As usual, you guys are so on top of things. I'm glad people are liking this so far. The story is about to start being told largely through flashbacks, which I've never done before because they're often confusing to read. I think I've made it clear which is which, although since I wrote them of course I would think that. Anyway, the basic rule for this story is: the flashbacks can be trusted completely. They're what _really _happened, but are not what General Hammond is being told specifically. If you're bored, try making a Venn diagram comparing and contrasting what actually happened to what General Hammond thinks happened.

Okay, I need to stop reading Jon Stewart... please, nobody actually make a Venn diagram.

Unless you really want to.

Ch 2: Rocky Start

Jack sat up, blinking quickly. Damn that table was hard. Now he was probably going to have a headache all day... Of course, from the way Hammond was looking at him he might very well not make it out of the room alive, in which case a headache would really be the least of his worries. On the other hand, he really had nothing left to lose...

He glanced at Sam and winked suggestively. "Looks like we got caught, Carter. I told you to be more careful, parading around all weekend in your little thongs, and leaving them lying all over the house where anyone could find them..."

"Sir!" Sam was clearly not amused. She turned to General Hammond and said quickly, "Sir, this is NOT how it sounds. As you know you gave all of us the weekend off, including Dr. Fraiser, whose parents own a lake house and..."

Daniel and Teal'c came into the briefing room. Daniel looked bewildered. Teal'c looked irritated at having his breakfast interrupted. Well, to Jack at least. In actuality, he really didn't look that different from how he always looked.

"Thank God! Guys, tell General Hammond what happened this weekend," Sam begged quickly.

"Okay," Daniel said amiably, taking a seat across the table from Jack and Sam. Teal'c sat down as well and touched his fingertips together, elbows propped up on the table.

"T, are you doing Mr. Burns?" Jack asked, shocked.

"That was not my intention, O'Neill," Teal'c said, folding his hands instead. "General Hammond, do you need to visit the infirmary? You appear unwell."

"Just a mild heart attack, Teal'c, nothing to be concerned about," Hammond said sarcastically. He immediately shook his head and sighed. He had been around Jack O'Neill way too long.

"I see," Teal'c said evenly. He did not enjoy O'Neill's sarcasm, and did not want it spread among the rest of the Tau'ri.

"So, what exactly do you want to know about this weekend, General?" Daniel asked.

"Did either of you hear or see anything that would lead you to believe that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are in violation of the fraternization regulations?" Hammond asked directly.

Daniel shifted somewhat nervously. He had always thought Hammond knew how Jack and Sam felt about each other (you'd have to be living in a hollowed out tree stump _not _to know,) but that Hammond knew they would also never act on those feelings. Being asked outright... Daniel's thick eyebrows nearly met as he furrowed his brow, replaying the General's exact words. Okay, so he wasn't specifically asking about _feelings; _in fact, it sounded like he had very carefully worded his question so that it ONLY asked about actually witnessing something... physical? Why on Earth would Hammond think...

Jack watched poor Daniel trying to infer the entire context of the situation based on little more than nothing and said, "General, maybe you should just show them the tape."

"Very well," Hammond said. He replayed the locker room footage, Daniel and Teal'c's eyebrows both competing to see who could climb the highest in the shortest amount of time. Teal'c was victorious.

Knowing what Hammond assumed the context of their innocent conversation to be made watching the footage even more embarrassing the second time around. Carter really, really tried very hard to make herself invisible.

"Is it true that Colonel O'Neill encouraged you both to play some sort of game with Major Carter's underwear this weekend?" Hammond asked, internally adding, 'There's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say.'

"No, sir, that is absolutely not true," Daniel said, shaking his head emphatically.

"So, you have never seen the Colonel with one of Major Carter's... thongs... in his hand?" Hammond pressed.

"Yes, sir, I have," Daniel said honestly.

"But you just..."

"General Hammond, the thong in question was not an undergarment. It was, in fact, a shoe," Teal'c interrupted.

"See, that's what I was trying to tell you," Jack said. "Thank you, Teal'c."

"You are welcome, O'Neill."

Hammond looked at all of them and sighed. "Why the hell didn't you just say that in the... you know what, I don't care. All right. I'm inclined to believe you all, God help me. But since this incident has probably already spread across the base like wildfire, I need to hear more details, people."

Everyone started talking at once. Hammond held up his hand for silence. "One at a time, please. Just... start at the beginning."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_The previous Thursday, office of one Dr. Daniel Jackson (archaeologist/linguist/Spacemonkey extraordinaire)_

"Aw, come on, Danny, it'll be fun!" Jack O'Neill insisted, absently picking up some rock thing off Daniel's desk and rolling it back and forth between his hands experimentally to see if it came apart, opened up, dispensed candy or did anything else remotely cool. Apparently it did not. Lame.

"Jack, I am not spending a rare, precious three day weekend off on a boat, on a lake, in the middle of _the _hottest summer in Colorado history, just so you can see Sam in a bikini."

"What?" Jack snapped, dropping Daniel's rock as he looked up at Daniel sharply. Jack picked the rock back up wordlessly. Daniel was counting quietly, in some other language. Or maybe he was praying for patience or something. Hell, he could have been calling Jack a flying purple people eater for all he knew.

"That's not why I want to do this! It'll be fun. For everyone. Cassie's dying to see us all and loves the lake. Was this paperweight looking thing important?" he asked, adding the last part as he sheepishly offered Daniel the rock, which was now missing a corner.

"No, not really," Daniel said with a sigh.

"Good," Jack said.

Daniel's cell phone rang, and he answered it, seeing from the display that it was Sam. "Hey, Sam. How was shopping?"

At the mention of 'shopping,' Jack tuned the rest of Daniel's conversation out, taking the opportunity to try to think of a few more reasons why Daniel _had _to come with them this weekend. He hoped to come up with something that sounded a lot less pathetic than 'If you don't come Teal'c will back out and I'll be alone with Cassie, the Doc, and Carter.' Each of these women was perfectly fine company alone, and generally any paired combination was equally tolerable. But get all three together and it was always a good idea to have back-up. And a pre-planned escape route.

"Jack? Are you listening?" Daniel asked.

"Wh- yeah. What?"

"I said I'll go."

"Oh. Sweet. What changed your mind?"

"That was Sam. She just got back from taking Cassie shopping for stuff for the trip. They both sounded so excited and made it sound like a lot of fun."

"Good. In that case, don't forget your sun block, Danny boy." Jack stood to go, grinning, and just out of curiosity asked, "What kind of stuff were they buying?"

"What?" Daniel looked back at him from the old-looking notebook that had already stolen his attention and said absently, "Oh, uh, Cassie got a new swimsuit, and I think Sam said something about some new thongs."

Jack dropped the already damaged rock thing yet again. Carter buying... whoa! This time the rock thing shattered into billions of tiny little pieces. See, this was exactly why Jack had been campaigning to have Daniel's lab carpeted for years, but did anybody listen to his good ideas? No, of course not. Pay no attention to the handsome Colonel...

He stared at the mess at his feet, finally daring to look up at Daniel after a few stunned moments of silence. Daniel was being quite calm - or he'd gone into a catatonic state.

"Sorry," Jack mumbled.

"It's – okay," Daniel said with a practiced patience born of years of working with Jack O'Neill. Daniel frowned as he corrected his own internal dialogue. It wasn't _working _with Jack O'Neill that was dangerous. It was when he _wasn't _working that was the problem.

"Well, I'll go... send someone to clean this up," Jack said quickly, backing out of Daniel's office.

Daniel couldn't resist. As Jack reached the doorway, Daniel casually called, "Don't worry about it, Jack. It was just a paperweight."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv


	3. What happens in the truck STAYS in the t...

A/N: Hee hee. I hope you guys are as tickled with this stuff as I am... luckily I have years of embarrassing situations to draw upon!

Ch 3: What happens in the truck STAYS in the truck

_Monday, briefing/board/bored room. _

"I'm waiting, people. ONE of you tell me how this whole mess got started."

Jack crossed his arms and said succinctly, "Everyone agreed to go to the doc's lake house for the weekend. Daniel required a little arm twisting but finally agreed."

Hammond turned to Daniel. "Care to elaborate on that, Doctor?"

"Jack broke my favorite paperweight," Daniel said, crossing his arms over his chest as well and looking across the table at Jack with a frown. He turned back to Hammond. "But yeah, that's basically it, until Jack showed up at my place late on Friday night, honking his horn loud enough to raise the dead..."

"Oh what are you complaining about, Daniel, you slept the entire drive!" Sam put in.

"People, I think we're getting off track here," Hammond interrupted.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_The previous Friday, the crowded cab of Jack O'Neill's ubiquitous pick-up truck. A road between Colorado Springs and the lake house of undetermined location._

Sam Carter sighed, glaring at her CO as she bounced uncomfortably on the bench seat, as though the bumpy road was somehow his fault. Granted, he _was _the one driving, but still. A bumpy road was a bumpy road. She seemed to be the only one uncomfortable though, which was saying something, as she was one of six occupants of the truck, and it was late at night after a long, hard week at work.

At the moment, Sam couldn't remember why they'd decided to all ride out to Janet's parent's lake house together. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, that was before she had realized she'd be the one squished on the front bench seat between the Colonel and Teal'c the whole time.

She glared at the sleeping occupants of the backseat yet again. Cassie had to ride in the back because she got carsick up front. Janet, once again the shortest of the group since her fourteen year-old daughter now had at least two inches on the petite doctor, offered to sit in the back because she didn't require much leg-room. Colonel O'Neill wouldn't let anybody else drive his truck, and Teal'c simply was too large to sit in the back. All three men couldn't fit up front together either, so Daniel got the back and Sam got stuck up front, with two equally uncomfortable choices for where the air vent pointed straight at her: chest or face.

All of these factors combined to make Sam very uncomfortable and more than slightly cranky, and she twisted up in her seat to look at the three sleeping occupants of the backseat with envy. All three seemed quite comfortable. The doctors were leaning against their respective windows like bookends; Cassie was stretched across them both, sleeping peacefully.

Another bump threw Sam off balance in her awkward position, and her CO reached his arm out instinctively to keep her safe. Since she was twisted in the seat and sitting up on her knees, the intended soccer-mom-save maneuver inadvertently became the abruptly-and-inappropriately-grab-your-2IC's-ass maneuver.

Sam knew it was completely accidental, of course, but that didn't stop her from turning bright red automatically. The Colonel was equally shocked, she knew. So shocked that it took him several seconds and a pointed, "Um, Colonel," from her to get him to finally move his hand.

"Sorry," he mumbled. Sam saw him grip the wheel tightly, and by the dim light of the dash could tell that he was clenching his jaw. "Turn around and buckle up forcryinoutloud, Carter," he grumbled, speaking sharply but quietly, so as not to wake everyone else up.

"I am buckled, _sir,_" she replied, not liking the patronizing tone behind the order.

"Well, do it tighter," he ordered.

Sam rolled her eyes and tightened the belt across her lap the merest fraction of an inch. "There. Happy, sir?" she asked in as defiant a tone as Major Carter ever took with her CO.

"Ecstatic," he replied sarcastically.

"Major Carter, are you all right?" Teal'c asked quietly.

Sam looked over at him in surprise. "I thought you were kel-no-reeming."

"I was," he assured her. "However, without my candles and with the motion of the vehicle I was in a very light state. The jolt 'awoke' me."

"Oh." One look at the way the very corners of his mouth were turned up ever-so-slightly convinced her that he hadn't missed their little... accident.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday, same old briefing room. _

"So we all rode up to the lake in the Colonel's truck," Sam summarized. "He insisted on driving the entire way."

"I take it nothing interesting happened in the car, so let's move on to your first night at the house..."

Sam, Teal'c, and Jack exchanged quick looks, then immediately broke the eye contact and all suddenly found their hands quite interesting.

"You arrived at the lake without incident, is everyone agreed?" Hammond prompted when nobody offered to begin furthering the narrative.

"Indeed, General Hammond."

"Boring drive, sir."

"I was asleep," Daniel put in.

"And Colonel O'Neill?"

"It was a nice drive, sir. A little... er... rough for Carter's taste, but I enjoyed it thoroughly." As if the suggestive tone of his voice wasn't enough, he had the nerve to shoot her the most smug smirk in his repertoire.

Sam narrowed her eyes at himand resisted the urge to kick him under the table. Colonel O'Neill jumped in his chair anyway, as though he _had _been kicked. Maybe she was developing telekinetic powers, which would be pretty cool... or, she realized as she glanced at Teal'c, who was now staring blankly at a space on the wall behind their CO's head, it could have just been him.

Hammond stared at all of them and finally said, "Let's just move on, people."

"When I woke up we were at the lake house," Daniel supplied.

"We brought our bags and supplies indoors and went immediately to bed," Teal'c added.

"Anything else?" Hammond asked.

"No," all four people said quickly. Too quickly.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Late Friday night/early Saturday morning if you want to be picky about it, lake house of undetermined location._

"Anything else?" Jack asked Teal'c as Jack headed back out to the truck and Teal'c headed inside with a bunch of grocery bags in one hand.

"No," Teal'c answered. "This is the last."

"Okay then." Jack took some of the bags from Teal'c and they took them into the kitchen. The lake house was decorated a little girly for Jack's personal taste, but it was very nice.

Janet came into the kitchen already dressed for bed in a big tee-shirt and women's boxers. "Everyone okay?" she asked with a yawn.

"We are fine, Dr. Fraiser."

"Yeah, go on to sleep, Doc, you don't have to play hostess with us."

"Daniel's in the room with the bunk beds if one of you wants to join him. Cassie and I are in the master bedroom; she's already asleep again. I think Sam's taking the small bedroom, so Teal'c, maybe you want to use the study to kel-no-reem, and Colonel, you can bunk with Daniel?"

"Yeah, okay. You brought his allergy medicine, right?" Jack grumbled. Daniel always got particularly sneezy in situations such as this, and snored like a buzz-saw. A bespectacled buzz-saw.

"Yes, he's already taken a Benadryl so he's probably sound asleep by now," Janet assured him, hiding another yawn. "See you guys in the morning."

"Night, Doc."

"Pleasant dreams, Dr. Fraiser."

She gave a little wave as she walked sleepily off towards the downstairs bedroom.

"You okay with taking the study, T?"

"I am, O'Neill."

"All right, I'm going to take a shower before bed so I don't end up stuck with cold water when everyone gets up tomorrow. See you in the morning, big guy."

Teal'c nodded. Jack grabbed his bag as he passed through the den and went upstairs, trying to remember the layout of the house. He had only been here once before and it was quite a while ago. The bathroom door was open, however, and there was a small night-light shaped like a butterfly plugged into the outlet by the sink. He glanced into each bedroom that connected to the bathroom, made out the vague shape of a twin bed in the small room, and a bunk bed complete with a snoring archaeologist in the other.

"Great," he muttered, shutting both doors and turning on the light. The hot shower relaxed him completely, however, soothing muscles that were complaining about being stuck in one seat driving for so long. The shower made him so sleepy he decided to put off shaving until tomorrow. Hell, they were off all weekend. Maybe he'd skip it tomorrow as well.

He quickly got ready for bed, flipped off the bathroom light, and stumbled into the bedroom. The bespectacled buzz-saw, from the sound of it, had opted for the top bunk, no doubt out of consideration for Jack's knees. Jack slid into the bottom bunk and several things happened at once.

First, he immediately became aware that the bed was occupied already occupied by one Sam Carter. Warm and soft skin collided with his, arms and legs flailed, some part of a bare leg came very close to injuring one of Jack's favorite body parts, his 2IC shrieked, Jack tried to jump out of the bed, momentarily forgetting he was in a bunk, his skull collided painfully with some wooden part of the bed and he swore loudly, Daniel rolled out of bed to see what was happening and who needed help (forgetting he was on a top bunk and falling to the floor with a loud thud and a groan,) and then everyone started asking everyone else if they were okay amidst Jack's and Daniel's various moans, groans, and cries of pain.

A few seconds later, everyone was blinded when Janet flipped the light on. She, Cassie, and Teal'c were in the doorway, clearly having jumped out of bed and rushed to see what all the commotion was about. Daniel was half-sitting up on the floor, blinking slowly, still disoriented from his fall, the Benadryl he had taken, and the fact that he didn't have his glasses on.

Jack and Sam were still in the bottom bunk and by the way she was blushing bright red and holding the blanket to her chest, Daniel correctly guessed she was probably only wearing a camisole (he could see the thin straps) and panties (he could see her sweat pants at the foot of the bed, where she had no doubt removed them after getting under the covers. Excellent deductive reasoning skills, Dr. Jackson, he mentally patted himself on the back). Jack, shirtless and in boxer shorts with hula girls on them, was holding his forehead and rocking slightly, clearly trying not to let on how much pain he was in.

"Daniel, are you okay?" Janet asked as she assessed the situation and realized Daniel had fallen off the top bunk.

"Yeah," Daniel said, sounding a bit dazed.

"Colonel, how about you?" Janet demanded, sitting down on the already too-crowded bed to examine him. Sam was clearly torn between wanting to get as far away from everyone as possible and not wanting to flash what she was wearing (or not wearing, more specifically) to the entire room.

"You told me Carter was in the other room!" Jack finally said, glaring at Janet as she poked at his hairline none-too-gently.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, I assumed she would be. Track my finger..."

"Daniel was snoring, sir, so I thought I'd sleep with him because it keeps you awake," Carter explained quickly.

"Oh. Well... thanks then."

"You're welcome, sir."

Cue awkward silence, Jack thought. He almost said it, but he refrained. Dr. Fraiser was still poking at his head, no need to further irritate her or she'd probably go dig up her penlight.

"Daniel Jackson, do you require assistance?" Teal'c asked as Daniel climbed up the ladder to his bed carefully.

"No thanks, Teal'c."

"Then I will retire once again."

"Me too," Cassie added, too tired to tease Jack and Sam or even shoot them a smirk. That would have to wait till morning. They both left.

Once Janet had satisfied herself that Jack didn't give himself a concussion, she said, "You'll have a nasty bruise, Colonel, but your hair should hide most of it. Let me get you some mild painkillers so you can sleep; I'll be right back."

"Yes ma'am," Jack mumbled sleepily, rubbing his face with his hand.

When Janet was gone, he glanced sideways at Carter. Daniel was snoring again already, this time louder than before. "You sure you want to sleep with that racket?"

"It doesn't bother me," she assured him. When they were in the field she was a light sleeper, but it was something she had to condition into herself early in her military career. She knew that the Colonel, because of all his black ops days, slept on a hair trigger all of the time, and this was supposed to be a little mini-vacation for all of them.

"Sorry I jumped into bed with you, Carter," Jack said with a grin, thinking to himself he never imagined uttering _that _phrase before. Not that he'd never jump into bed with her. He'd just never be sorry about it.

Janet rolled her eyes as she returned with a glass of water and some pain pills and overheard his apology. Sam blushed, said, "No harm done, sir," and shot Janet a look that told her she'd better not say a word.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday, same meeting. _

"We all went straight to bed, sir," Sam said. Well, it was true. They _had _all gone straight to bed, it had just taken them a while to sort out which bed they were all supposed to be in. Everyone chorused their agreements much louder than necessary.

"Okay, people, let's take a break for a few minutes. It sounds like we should get Dr. Fraiser in here as well," Hammond said, getting to his feet to summon his CMO.


	4. A Tale of Two Thongs

A/N: So, this chapter ends this particular story, but I've got several basic ideas for situations for all of our characters to find themselves in scribbled down on a notecard somewhere. My plan for this thing is to turn it into a series of similar but separate incidents. Thanks for reading as always, I'm glad this (hopefully) made you laugh. It was a nice fun break for me from my other series.

Ch 4: A Tale of Two Thongs

_Saturday morning, lake of undisclosed location_

Magnets. That's what it was. It had to be. Everything was really about magnets when you thought about it. Jack stopped, assessed his own thought, and wrinkled his nose as though he had smelt something terrible. Okay, maybe _everything_ wasn't about magnets. But it was an easy, all-purpose explanation.

Saturday morning at the lake was proving to be very boring. He had been up for hours, and everyone else was still asleep. So, he had decided to make himself useful and check on the boat. According to Janet, it hadn't been in the water in some time, so Jack figured the motor probably needed some work.

It was hot outside already, and he was sweating even though it wasn't quite ten yet. On the plus side, since they were only there for the weekend if they had to take the boat in for repairs by the time they got it back they'd have to leave. He was confident he could fix it, once he figured out specifically what was wrong. While he worked, he thought about magnets. Specifically how they applied to his relationship with Carter. Hey, it made sense in his own head.

In the field he and Carter worked together perfectly. Perfect synchrony that only develops, if you're lucky, after years of a CO working with the same 2IC. No problems whatsoever. Since most of their downtime was spent on the base, that carried over most of the time to their 'personal lives,' although Jack was pretty sure the idea of an officer having a 'personal' life was just a myth at this point. Where did the magnets come in, exactly?

Right. Magnets. On very rare occasions he and Carter turned into magnets and just could not stop bumping into each other, literally and figuratively. Apparently this whole weekend was going to be like that. It was awkward, but it was funny. He had adopted a 'what can you do?' attitude and shrugged and laughed it off now, and most of the time she did the same thing. Already this weekend he had accidentally grabbed her ass and jumped into bed with her. Two such horrifyingly funny collisions in one night had Jack convinced that this entire weekend was going to be like that. And he was sure it was all related to magnets somehow.

That meant it wasn't their fault. It was probably something to do with the rotation of the earth and... geomagnetic... somethings... which all made it impossible for him to stop bumping into his 2IC. Sometimes it was the exact opposite, like the flip end of magnetism, where the two parts repelled each other no matter what. They had hit a few of those patches over the years too but it had been a long time since the last one. Given the choice, Jack much preferred being succumbed to the magnetic forces that drew him _to _his 2IC rather than pushed them away from each other.

"Sir, you're busy this morning."

See? Magnets.

Jack looked up to see her squinting at him from the dock. It was sunny out, even with his sunglasses and cap on. "Yeah, well, _someone _had to make sure we could actually get out on the water this weekend, while the rest of you lazy campers slept in."

"Yeah, the house is still dead. Can I help?"

"Sure, hop on." He gave her a hand into the boat even though he knew she didn't really need it. She smelled like sun block already.

"I didn't know you knew anything about boat motors, Carter."

"Well, I don't," she admitted as she peered into the gutted interior of the disassembled device. "But it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Especially compared to being asked to backwards engineer Goa'uld crystal-based technology... or the Stargate for that matter. This should be a piece of cake."

"Cake! Did we bring any cake?" Jack asked hopefully.

She looked at him funny and smiled, shaking her head. "I don't think we brought cake, sir. And I really don't think Janet would let you eat it for breakfast."

"Yeah, probably..."

"Oh, wait, I think I see the problem..."

They both reached for the same tool at the same time and knocked it over the side of the boat. It hit the water with a mockingly loud _plunkplop _and was gone before they could do anything but stare at the spot where it had been moments before.

Jack muttered something under his breath and squeezed past Sam to get to the toolbox for another wrench.

"What was that, sir?"

"Nothing, Carter. Just thinking about magnets."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday, briefing room_

"Uh, let's see, the next morning I fixed the boat while everyone slept late," Jack said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his ankles under the desk. He was still surveying his team periodically, trying to figure out which one had kicked him. It had felt like Teal'c, but he would never... would he? Nah.

"Excuse me, sir, _you _fixed the boat?" Sam interrupted.

"Well... I was fixing it by myself for a while and then Carter assisted me with the finishing touches."

"Sir, with all due respect, I am the one who fixed that motor. We'd still be sitting on a boat tied to the dock with the motor in two pieces if I hadn't..."

"Actually," Janet interrupted, seeing that they were both gearing up for an argument that would ultimately never be resolved, and also seeing that Hammond was just sitting back and watching them carefully. "You wouldn't be sitting on a boat, because we found you both in the water."

"Indeed," Teal'c supplied.

"Care to elaborate, doctor?" Hammond asked, although his tone clearly indicated that Dr. Fraiser's response was not optional.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Saturday morning. Kitchen window, strategically placed to provide view of dock but still within arm's reach of coffee pot. Lake house at undisclosed location._

"Ten bucks says she hits him with the wrench," Daniel offered, joining Janet at the window as each doctor desperately clutched their respective coffee mugs.

Janet watched Jack and Sam thoughtfully for a few seconds. Although they were too far away to be heard, their body language and Sam's overly-dramatic sweeping arm gestures clearly indicated that they were arguing over how to fix whatever was wrong with the boat. "I'm going to go with 'poking him in the torso with the screwdriver,'" Janet decided.

"Ooh, good one. I didn't think of that."

They sipped their coffee and watched as the argument on the boat quickly turned into a fight for control of the busted motor. It only took a few minutes for the struggle to send them over the edge of the boat.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday. Briefing room, now ironically named because Daniel Jackson was speaking and he was never really 'brief' about anything._

"They tumbled over the side of the boat, meeting the same fate as the wrench they had displaced earlier that was now forever lost to Davey Jones' locker..."

"Daniel, forcryinoutloud, this isn't Moby Dick!" Jack said, irritated. "Just say 'we fell in' like any normal person and get on with it."

Daniel rolled his eyes and said, as if he were auditioning for a role on Sesame Street, "Fine. Jack and Sam fell in the lake."

"First of all, I would like to emphasize that I did not _fall _in the lake. I was _pushed,_" Sam insisted, looking at Jack pointedly in case there was anybody in the room who wasn't sure whom she was accusing of doing said pushing.

"Actually, General, she was _not _pushed. I was _pulled." _Jack countered.

Daniel groaned and Janet let out a noise that was very similar to a growl. Even Teal'c looked mildly annoyed. They had already heard the 'I was pushed/I was pulled' debate several times since the incident, and didn't want to go into it again. Luckily, neither did General Hammond.

"Whatever the case may be, you both... went... in the lake. Please, continue."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Saturday, slightly chilly lakeat undisclosed location_

Sam tossed her sandal onto the dock ahead of herself and climbed up the ladder, looking around. She was dripping wet and standing in her CO's way but she had other concerns.

"Carter, move!"

"I'm looking for my thong, I can't find it!"

He stared at her blankly, confused as to why she was scanning the surface of the water for what she had apparently lost. She had her shorts on still, how could she have lost her thong?

Sam finally noticed that he was staring at her soaked denim shorts and said, "God, Colonel, not that type of thong! My SHOE!" She grabbed the one she had salvaged and held it up as a visual aid, resisting the urge (barely) to smack him in the head with it.

"Ohhhhhhhh," Jack said slowly. "I wondered why you needed new underpants for this trip."

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Daniel, he said you took Cassie shopping and got... never mind. Misunderstanding. And ah... you've lost one of your... thongs?"

Now blushing because every time he said it she would now know he was thinking about her underwear, she said, "Yeah, they should float though, at least for a little while, but I don't see it anywhere, do you?"

"No, what's it look like?"

This time she was unable to resist the urge. She swatted him with the sandal in her hand and said, "Remarkably like this one, sir, only it faces the opposite direction."

"Okay..." He too looked around but said, "I don't see it."

"Crap, those didn't last long."

"Did you bring some other shoes?"

"Yeah but these were really comfortable..."

Janet stuck her head out the back door and yelled at them to come get dried off because breakfast was ready.

"Yes, MOM!" Jack called back, earning him a scowl from Janet that he swore he could feel all the way down on the dock.

"Sorry about your thong, Carter," Jack said with a grin as they squelched their way back up to the house. He was still holding the one they had left in his hand.

"I guess it's not _completely _your fault, sir," she acknowledged as Daniel and Janet passed them beach towels through the back door.

"Stop arguing and come eat before the eggs get cold," Janet insisted, pulling them inside.

"Who put her in charge?" Jack asked as he scrubbed at his hair with the towel.

"It _is _her house," Daniel pointed out.

"Oh, stop sucking up, Spacemonkey."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday morning, briefing room_

"So where exactly does Colonel O'Neill 'ruining' one thong and finding another one in his bag this morning fit in?" Hammond asked. He was starting to get a headache from this whole thing. You ask a simple question, you get a circus in your briefing room fighting over 'what really happened...' and Hammond wasn't born yesterday. He knew damn well the version they were all agreeing on wasn't the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That was a-okay by his standards. He just needed enough detail to be able to explain if and when he was ever questioned.

"We're getting to that part, sir," Carter assured him. "After I fixed the boat..."

Jack cleared his throat but she just continued speaking, slightly louder than before.

"After I fixed the boat we went water skiing."

"And Jack threw a fit because Janet wouldn't let him ski because it's bad for his knees," Daniel supplied with an innocent smile in Jack's direction.

Jack scowled at him and said, "Yeah, you weren't smiling when I threw you off the tube, were you?"

Hammond interrupted again. "People, I don't need every detail of your trip."

"Sorry, sir," Jack said quietly.

"We spent the day on the lake, sir," Carter told him succinctly. "Water skiing and tubing."

"And nothing... questionable... happened then?"

This time, Hammond was surprised when everyone looked at Janet, who was blushing like mad and looking down at the shiny surface of the table in front of her. "Doctor?" he prompted.

"There was a... swimsuit... malfunction, sir, but it was quickly resolved," Janet said evasively.

"What exactly does 'swimsuit malfunction' mean?"

"It means Daniel and Teal'c got an eyeful, sir," Jack said, winking at the General.

Hammond fixed him with a stern look and finally shook his head. "Again, let's just... stick to the things I really need to hear about, please."

"You did ask," Jack muttered.

Carter changed the subject, trying to get the attention off of Janet. "When we came back to the house, sir, everyone was pretty drained from the day. We rested for a while, and while we cooked dinner, the Colonel..."

"HA!" Jack and Daniel exclaimed at the same time.

Sam narrowed her eyes and said, "All right, while Teal'c and Janet cooked dinner and I... assisted... Colonel O'Neill and Cassie went out on the dock to fish for a bit."

"And I caught Carter's lost thong."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Saturday evening, lake house kitchen._

Sam, Janet, and Teal'c all stopped their various tasks and glanced out the window. Jack and Cassie were yelling about something and laughing. "CARTER GET YOUR SUPER-SMART SELF OUT HERE!"

Sam put down the stack of plates she was holding and headed outside, wondering what the commotion was about. "Jack caught your sandal!" Cassie told her, still laughing. She pointed to the shoe, where it lay halfway between the dock and the house.

"Wow, thanks, Colonel," Sam said happily, hurrying out to pick it up.

"No problem, Carter," he said casually.

As soon as she bent down to pick it up, it skittered away from her. She reached for it again, and again it was jerked out of her fingers. Standing up with her hands on her hips, she glared at Cassie and Jack, who were laughing hysterically. The sandal was still attached to the hook on the end of Jack's fishing pole. Every time she almost had it, he jerked it away, dangling the shoe in the air. Finally, he acted like he was going to cast it back into the water.

"Colonel!"

"Okay, okay. Truce. Go on, take it."

Glaring, she reached for it again and sure enough, he jerked it out of the way once more. Changing tactics, she decided to try to get control of the rod and reel rather than going after the shoe. He ran around the yard backwards, taunting her with the shoe dangling between them, until the back door was thrown open and Janet, flanked by Daniel and Teal'c, called, "Both of you stop right now!"

Jack and Sam looked at her, confused. "Geez, relax, Mom, we were just goofing off," Jack said in an aw-shucks tone of voice he had perfected by the age of five.

"There's a disgusting fish hook in that shoe, someone is going to get hurt and I don't want to have to listen to you whine about getting a tetanus shot, Colonel," Janet said firmly.

"Okay, fine," Jack grumbled, reeling the shoe in and removing it from the hook.

At this point it was so badly damaged nobody would ever be able to wear it again. One of the straps was completely broken, it was waterlogged, and full of holes from the hook tearing into it. But that didn't mean they couldn't keep up their game.

Flashing a grin at Sam, he called, "Daniel, heads up!" and tossed it to him.

Normally, Daniel would be inclined to take Sam's side, but for some reason he decided he wanted to play too. He tossed the shoe to Teal'c, who stared at it calmly.

Certain that her buddy Teal'c would be far too mature to play such a ridiculous game, Sam smiled sweetly at him and said, "Teal'c, may I please have my shoe back now?"

"Of course, Major Carter," Teal'c said, bowing his head slightly. Then, his expression never changing beyond the sudden twinkle in his eye, he said loudly, "If you can catch it!" and tossed the shoe back to Jack.

Cassie and Janet tried to help Sam in the keep-away game that ensued but they were both giggling too hard to really be much help.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Monday morning yet again. Still, shockingly, in the briefing room_

"When Sam finally caught Jack and made a grab for the shoe he threw it back in the lake," Daniel narrated.

"And then went in after it," Janet added.

"Not voluntarily," Jack clarified, looking at Sam pointedly.

Sam gave Hammond an innocent 'Who, me sir? Surely not!' look and swivelled slightly in her chair. She caught her CO giving her a look that very plainly said, 'I'm still going to get you for that one,' she swallowed and turned her attention back to Hammond.

Hammond blinked very slowly. Sometimes it was impossible to believe that these four people had worked together for so long without killing each other. They really were a family. He liked to think of the SGC in general as being a big family, but SG1 was an even more closely-knit group.

They acted like they wanted to kill each other sometimes, but they'd kill _for _each other any second of the day. He'd never understand how a former first prime, a theoretical astrophysicist who could also handle a P90, an allergy-plagued archaeologist, and a cynical Colonel he had been warned had two basic moods: surly and surlier, had combined to form the best team he could ever hope to have. But somehow they had.

And in some very strange way that Dr. MacKenzie would probably have serious issues with, Hammond knew that their weekend was somehow vital to that. These people had to be able to have fun and be goofy together or they'd go insane.

Whether or not Hammond could balance their sanity-saving antics against his own mental stability was another matter entirely. He was positive if he wasn't already bald, he would have been after six months of trying to keep SG1 under control.

Satisfied that he had enough to stop the rumors and explain the situation if he needed to again, he finally said, "All right everyone. I appreciate your patience in clearing this misunderstanding up. Major, Colonel, in the future please be a little more careful about where you have personal conversations, and how they might sound to officers who don't know the context. It's as much for your own well-being as my patience and time."

"Yes, sir," they both said quickly. Sam was relieved. That had gone a lot faster and smoother than she had thought it would.

"Dismissed," Hammond said to the room as a whole, getting to his feet.

After he left, there were a few moments where everyone looked at everyone else. Then they all burst into laughter at the same time. Hammond stuck his head back in the room and they clammed up immediately. Without saying anything, he left again. SG1 muffled their laughter and went back to work.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Tuesday morning, locker room. _

Sam and Daniel entered the locker room to change into their BDUs. "Today feels like a blue day to me, what do you think?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, Jack's already wearing blue," Daniel confirmed as he opened his locker.

Sam opened hers and shrieked and jumped out of the way as a mountain of multicolored thong panties, along with a new pair of thong sandals, all fell out of her locker, cascading to the floor around her.

"And that, Teal'c, is called 'Keeping Carter on her toes,'" Jack whispered from their strategically hidden spot around the corner of the next row of lockers.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed quietly.

"Daniel, he's around that corner," Carter whispered, shoving two handfuls of panties into Daniel's hands. His eyes widened.

"Sam, I don't want to touch your underwear!"

"It's not like I've worn them, Daniel, grow up! Come on, they make good slingshots. You sneak around this way and I'll go that way."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Um, General, sir, there's a situation in the locker room you might want to take a look at," one of the Airmen who monitored the security cameras informed General Hammond.

Hammond would have dearly loved to be able to say, "Actually, whatever's happening in there I'd really rather not know about, Sergeant," but unfortunately that wasn't really an option. He glanced at the screen the Sergeant indicated and did a double take. His flagship team was shooting underwear at each other, ducking behind the rows of lockers.

Hurrying down to the locker room, he threw open the doors and bellowed, "SG1, FREEZE!"

To be fair, they did all freeze, but not before Daniel had shot off one last thong.

It sailed across the room as if in slow motion, landing gently to rest on top of General Hammond's bald, shiny head. He removed the item, holding it pinched between his thumb and forefinger and examining it. "I suppose one of you is going to tell me this isn't what it looks like either?"

The end.


End file.
